Stuff My Kids Say XVIII

"Do you want me to make your coffee this morning? I ask because if I don't have a drink in the morning I go out of sane sometimes!"

Godzilla, age 7. 

I love this kid.

Once you get over the image of a seven year old saying sometimes he needs a drink in the morning, notice the thought that went into his offer. He's not just offering, he's offering because he empathizes with me.

He's been there, man!

And that means he's connecting with me. I know he won't drink coffee with me for a few years, and beer for a few years after that, but right now, he wants to be with me, doing what I'm doing and that makes me happy. It means we're making connections. He's paying attention to what is going on around him, and I need to be on my game.

He's always on his game though. And that is why I go out of sane sometimes.

Stuff My Kids Say XVII

"Why aren't you passed yet?"

Godzilla, 7




Hold on, that doesn't really do the line justice. Lets pour on some perspective.

We sat down to lunch this past weekend, and began talking about our day, our week, the projects we had to do, the things we just finished, what was going on at school, at work, at home... It was an ideal moment, gathered around the table, there were smiles and stories and good food filling our stomachs.

Kate and I then dropped a bombshell on the kids: We got together all the way back in 1998. Nineteen-ninety-eight! Practically the dark ages!

Stuff My Kids Say XVI

Dad, guess what? I was dreaming in my dream, and you woke me up in my dream too!

Godzilla, 7.



It was something of an Inception kind of moment for him (not that hes watched the movie yet... at least not in this layer of his dream life). The amazement in his voice was priceless though. He was so sure that his dream was real. He was certain that I had already woken him up.

It's not often that I have a dream which is so realistic, but I have had them, I've woken up disappointed to discover that the dream was just a dream. On the other hand, I've awakened in a cold sweat, relieved to find the events in dreamland were just in my head. The best ones, however, are the ones where you can wake with the amazement of a child.


Or, you know, the ones where you wake from a dream in a dream in a dream in a .....

Stuff My Kids Say XV

"Where do they come up with these ideas? I try to write and all I think up is foxes and dragons!"

Nat - age 10, after watching yet another new creature in Doctor Who. 

Nat started writing stories in fourth grade. She was not a fan of writing until her teacher used her aversion to pen and paper as the impetus to starting a writing club. Nat and her teacher would take turns writing a story, each writing a paragraph or a page and then handing the story to the other to write the next part. This personal attention and enthusiasm about writing sparked her creative nerve and she hasn't stopped writing since.

Stuff My Kids Say XIV

"I have two hypothesiseses (that one kind of got away from him) about my sister:

1. She will turn into a really nice person who is not annoying and likes me.

- or -

2. She will be more annoying and ignore me even more than she already does."

     - Godzilla, age 6.



Somehow, even at the age of six, this kid summed up the relationship he'll have with his sister over next 20 years pretty expertly. Of course, option two will come well before option one, but eventually she'll get there. I think most of us do. Sometimes it amazes me, the clarity of youth.

Stuff My Kids Say XIII

"In 10 or 12 seconds or minutes they'll be thawed."
     - Godzilla, age 5.

The poor kid is just waiting for a frozen sandwich to thaw, but he can't quite work out the math of how time works. We'll be starting kindergarten in a manner of weeks, and it looks like Kate and I have some work to do! Time can be a tricky thing though, especially when as parents we're quick to say "You have five minutes left" and then promptly forget to set a timer. Those five minutes might take 30 one day and two the next, as our only time-keeper is how badly we want the activity to either end or continue.

Perhaps he's just embracing his inner Doctor Who, and time, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint is more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.

Either way, it makes a difference if it's minutes or seconds, and it's about time we helped him work that out!

Stuff My Kids Say XII

Godzilla: "Dad told me 'boys are supposed to be dirty' and I memorized it!"

You don't get any more stereotypical than this. It would seem that I told Godzilla recently that boys get dirty. Then I left him at home with his sister and mom one hot afternoon to play with his squirt gun, and the result should have been expected.

The little scoundrel took the hose and made a mud puddle, then proceeded to slather himself in all the mud he could muster. When it was time to come in, this is the sight that greeted my wife at the front door!

What do you do with this?

Stuff My Kids Say XI

Godzilla: "You just don't get kids. You don't get us... No. You. Don't..."

Seems I got told, though I think this will hurt more when he's 15 and saying the same.

However, it really begs the question, what is it I don't get? There is a lot of things that change from the time you are 5 to the time you are 35, but I didn't think I had lost touch just yet! Not only that, but while my parents had "My Generation", my generation had "Parents Just Don't Understand". So... you know... I get it.

Stuff My Kids Say X

Godzilla: "Dad, I know how the dinosaurs died. All the pterodactyls got together and used their beaks to crack the earth's crust. When it cracked, it made volcanoes..."

The story continued for neigh on 20 minutes, waxing poetic about Brontosaur, Mega Crocs, and Tyrannosaurus Rex. We cover all grounds, from archaeologists to oceanographers, and prehistoric sharks evolving into today's great whites. All of it is laced in fact, all of it incredibly detailed, if not fantastical. And he is passionate in his story-telling. He speaks with the authority of someone four, maybe five times his age. And I am in awe from start to finish. When he summarily rejected my theory that flying dinosaurs probably couldn't crack through the earth's crust, I knew he meant business.

Stuff My Kids Say IX

Godzilla: "Dad, I've been trying to be like you all year! And I finally did it!"

I should be proud that my boy wants to be like me, but this declaration was not over something to be proud of.

I let my childhood affect my parenting...

Stuff My Kids Say VIII

"Open your mouth Mom, I want to talk to the baby"
          - Godzilla, age 4


Kate is now about 5 months pregnant, and had mentioned to the kids that the baby can hear you talk to it. So naturally, Godzilla knows you talk through your mouth, so if the baby is in Mom's belly, you must need to talk to it through her mouth!

Stuff My Kids Say VII

"Ooh good! This Superman has red underwear! It's just better Dad, when he has red underwear that he wears outside his pants, because its just the way I grew up with him."
          - Nat - 8 years

It seems the Man of Steel movie and DC's New 52 Superman don't impress her much.

Stuff My Kids Say VI

"Nat, are you playing Barbie? Cause if you are. I am NOT playing."

          - Godzilla - 4 years

I'm all for gender equality, and as often as not, playing with his sisters toys is no problem for my son. But today apparently, he'd had enough of it and wanted some good old action heroes. See, the two of them got new Man of Steel action figures to play with on our trip to the Toledo Zoo last Friday. He got the Split Cycle ,Superman, and she got the Demolition Claw, General Zod. Nat was thrilled with the toy but wanted Zod to be a good guy, and they made that work for the trip. Today though, he kept asking her to play the bad guy and she wanted no part of it and decided to make some Barbies put on a musical instead.

So good job son, standing up for yourself and knowing what you wanted. Way to go son, keeping your cool and letting her know with emphasis where you draw the line. Thank you for being open to playing her way with her toys often enough, that this kind of fight is a rare occurrence.

Stuff My Kids Say V

After asking for a snack after having been told no three times already:

Godzilla: Nat, Mom said "GODZILLA!!!" so I think that's a no.


Its a good thing sometimes I think that they can read between the lines so well. I don't know if its learned, or if there is actually something about that tone of voice that says more than a long explanation could ever do, but there it is.

He gets it.

We've gotten through to him on something!

Now... does that mean our job is over?

Stuff My Kids Say IV

Godzilla: Dad, Can I have another sandwich?
Me: I guess, are you still hungry?
Godzilla: No, Nat said she'd give me two quarters if I gave her the rest of my sandwich.
Me: So, you didn't eat your sandwich, and now you want to eat one?
Godzilla: (maniacally laughing) No, I want to see if I can get her to give me more MONEY!


I don't know where they get these ideas, but if he's this devious clever at 4, I think he has a long career in swindling marketing ahead of him

Stuff My Kids Say III

"I'm never going to have babies. I'm going to adopt. I don't want to have a baby come out of here, or for the doctor to cut me open and rip it out of me."
          - Nat, 8 years


What dad isn't thrilled to hear his daughter say she won't be having kids. But its really the end of the statement that perked my ears this time. "Rip it out of me." It seems Kate and I may have talked about her deliveries a little too candidly in front of the kids.

I promise though, Leatherface does not perform c-sections.

Stuff My Kids Say II

"Girls have girl babies. Boys have boy babies."
          - Godzilla, 4 years

Thank God we were not created this way. I have the utmost respect for women in general, and the childbearing process in particular, but I never want the responsibility of childbirth. What pregnant mom hasn't muttered the words "you try carrying this thing around inside you for nine months"? We've all seen men try on the prego-bellies and recently through the magic of the internet, we were able to see two dutch men hook themselves up to electrodes to "experience labor".



 I have a feeling, if men were tasked with carrying babies, we as a species would have died out long long ago. Between the cravings, the cramping, and the hormone changes, I know I want no part of it. But that doesn't mean we don't have our roll to play. Men should be there for their children, and that means being there for their children's mothers from the beginning. We should help pregnant mothers through the difficult times of ther pregnancy. We need to be willing to run across town for that highly specific and wildly irrational craving. We need to know how to give a back rub, or a foot rub or whatever other rub she needs.

Amazingly enough, it can't stop there. Dads need to help their kids through their mom's pregnancy as well. It can be a terribly confusing time for young children who, up until this time only knew their family one way. Whether they ask them or not, your kids have questions about pregnancy and about having a sibling and about what that new baby will mean to their relationship with you.

Your family needs a whole lot from "Dad" and this usually means "Dad" will get less sleep, less leasure time, less social activities and an increased dependance on caffeine. Thank God we don't also grow people!

Stuff my kids say

As parents, we hear lots of sounds coming from little mouths. Like the old Art Linkletter show "Kids Say the Darndest Things", sometimes the sounds we hear are worth documenting, and sometimes those sounds require the control of a Royal Palace guard to keep from cracking up right in their faces.

The other morning, after running my morning routine of getting Natalie up and out the door for school after only 5 hours sleep myself, Godzilla turns to me and asks "Why are you always so lazy?" Let me tell you, the fire that burned in my eyes when he said it must have been evident, but I had to control myself. Obviously he doesn't see the work I do. Sacrificing sleep, feeding, clothing, cleaning, repairing, entertaining, teaching, ferrying, etc. and perhaps, the problem with his perception of what I do lies in how I present it to him.

As I've said, sometimes they teach us a thing or two.

I took the time that day to show him what I fill my day with, and included him in a lot of it. It took most of the day for him to stop accusing me of being lazy, but every day since, we've experienced a little less lazy, and a little more conversation. A little more interaction, and a little more cooperation.